Did you ever Realize on a Peaceful Day, When all is Quiet and you can really Focus your mind, That silence is Actually the sound made by a Snail when he Masturbates?

I Don't trust my Cat. I mean sure, He's cute, He's cuddly, But he's also part of a massive conspiracy to destroy the earth with the use of a rectally-delivered Cat-Pill that will convert Tuna-breath into a lethal gas, thus killing every human on the planet.

Also, He licks himself a lot. I wish I could lick myself. I think he's just Showing-off.

Damn Show-off...

I Love Dogs.

I  Love the way they wag their Tails when they see you, I love the way they curl up at the foot of your bed to nap, But most of all, I love the way they smell when you've shaved them, clubbed them, basted them in butter, and cooked them in a large oven at 350 Fahrenheit for 2 and a half hours, or until golden brown.

Some days I'll go for a Walk in the Park. I see a Duck swimming in the pond, and a Squirrel running along side. Then I Pull out a Gun and shoot the Duck, as a message to the Squirrel.

There Once was a Man from Nantucket. 

Stories About this Man have been Greatly Exaggerated.

Give a man a Fish, and you Feed him for a Day. 

Give a man a Fish Fish Frozen-Solid, And you have given him a Blunt Weapon that He can use to Club other men to death and steal their Softer, More Edible Fish.

If I Ever Have a Daughter, I shall name her "Kyla", Because it is a Beautiful name

If I Ever Have a Son, I shall name him "Kick Me", Because I am a Bastard.

Procrastination is like Masturbation; It's fun, Until you realize the only thing you've done is Fuck yourself

- Josh Johnson        

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