Meet The Voices!!!

Hello, Gentle readers.

     My name is Josh Johnson, and I have an interesting situation… more specifically, I have hundreds of interesting situations, and all of them are sitting in my head… You see, I used to be the shy kid back in school. You know the type; the quiet kid who never said much of anything, for fear of drawing attention to himself. But all of that changed…

     You see, one day I went with a friend of mine to play a little golf. After an hour or so of this, I started to get forgetful of where I was. I walked a little too close behind my friend, and ended up getting hit in the head with the golf club.

     It was not just a little scratch, but a massive head-wound. I was immediately sent to the hospital to stitch up the gaping hole right above my left eyebrow… The doctors told me everything would be alright… I don’t blame those doctors, really. They didn’t know how hard I had been hit. Neither did I…

     For about a month after that incident, I slowly started to change. We are all told as children about the “little voice inside of us” that tells us what is right from wrong. Our conscience, if you will… but we all later realize that it is just a story that our parents tell us before tucking us snuggly into bed… well I am here to tell you that the reports of that voice are not as highly exaggerated as one normally thinks…

     Due to the trauma of the blow to my head, something was knocked loose… I started to hear things… people talking to me at night when there was no one else in the room… I thought I was going insane, but no, I slowly started to understand what had happened… there are now little people inside my brain… hundreds of them, constantly talking… Most of them are harmless; they just sit there, wanting nothing more than to exist, but some of them are a bit more active…

     You see, I am now in almost constant communication with a few of the more vocal voices… They suggest courses of action in my life. I still have my own free will, but I hold the opinions of my precious voices very highly, so I normally do as they tell me to…

     I quickly realized the many benefits of this new system of living. My new friends helped me to meet new and exciting people. All I have to do is take off my pants and walk into a public meeting area and my new police friends come up and offer me some interesting linked bracelets as gifts, and escort me to “lock-down”. “Lock-down” is apparently some kind of hotel. I don’t care much for their room service, but hey, You get what you pay for, and for free room and board with interesting roommates, I can deal with having the toilette in the living area.

     I have decided that it isn’t fair for me to keep all of this good advice I am always getting to myself, So a while back, I started the “Ask the Voices in my Head” advice column! Now you can ask my wise friends for the answers to your problems as well! I shall introduce you to the three most vocal voices. They do most of the helping.

Conscience

     The sharp blow to my head made that “little voice inside us” manifest himself in the form of one of my little friends! He’s a funny little one… always joking with me, saying “Don’t eat that! You don’t know where it’s been!”, “Don’t drink that! You don’t know what will happen!”, and “Don’t stick your dick there! You don’t know what’s on the other side of that hole!”. He’s so silly…

Reaper

    

     Ah, Reaper has a bit of a temper, but he always knows exactly what to say… he was the one that first taught me that all of my problems could be solved with fire…

Stinger

     Stinger is my favorite. He gives me more good advice then I know what to do with. He is just such a good talker… he even made friends with my penis. Stinger and my penis speak often to each other, and Stinger often speaks on my penises behalf, because my penis doesn’t speak English. My penis speaks “Penisese”. It’s a truly beautiful language, consisting of grunts… if only we all could be so refined…

     So now that you know this panel of truly brilliant visionaries that live in my head, feel free to send in your questions to them and get the answers to the most mind-boggling questions in the universe. Remember the phrase “You can do anything you put your mind to”? They tell that to everyone. If one normal mind can truly do anything, then the mind of one Schizophrenic with hundreds of other minds working inside it must be as powerful as a God. I am giving you a chance to contact the deity that is my head. You are very welcome.

 

Sincerely,

   Josh Johnson, Keeper of "The Voices"

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