Joe Writes:

I have tried everything, Flowers, chocolates, pornography, a new car, some pick up lines, and even spelling out I love you in shaving cream on her house. But still, she will not go out with me.  Why is this? Am I doing something wrong? Is it because I burn things down? How can I get this girl to like me?

The Voices Reply:

Reaper: For starters, whatever you do, do not believe her when she tells you it is wrong to burn things! 

Stinger: Good advice for everyone, Reaper. Now then, You are obviously going about this all wrong, Joe. You are giving her sentimental gifts, and filling her head with equally sentimental messages. That's all well and good if you are wanting to have a long-term relationship with this woman... but if you are wanting to have a long-term relationship with this woman, then you don't deserve your penis.

Reaper: Yeah!!!

Conscience: Stinger, I am sick and tired of your constant endorsement of meaningless, none-committed relationships! 

Stinger: I endorse no such thing! I'm all for committed relationships!

Conscience: You are?

Stinger: Yes! I believe anyone that wants to have a long-term, meaningful relationship needs to be committed... they should be restrained and sent to live in a padded room until they snap out of it...

Conscience: Damn you...

Stinger: Anyway, like I said, you are going about it all wrong. The steps you are taking make it look like you wish to remain with this woman for a long time. That's bad. You need to let the woman know that you just want to have sex with her, clear out her refrigerator, then run like a bat out of hell. 

Reaper: Good idea! Now how do you think he could get that message across?

Stinger: My personal favorite method would be showing her your penis and mumbling the phrase "Hop on, baby".

Reaper: Brilliant!!!

Conscience: I hate you guys... really... I despise you...

Copyright Josh Johnson, 2000