How To Break-Up With Someone

Hi again!

Seeing as how I have already taught you all to use poetry to Tell Someone You Love Them, I thought I'd take this a step farther. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone that just wasn't working? Maybe they have cheated on you. Maybe you've cheated on them. Maybe you've just grown to despise them. There has never really been an easy way to end a relationship... until now.

Do you not have the heart, or the balls, to break it off with this person face to face? Now that's not a problem! You can just send them one of these delightful poems through the wonders of your national postal service! Have fun!

If you are psychotic, and the person you are dating has cheated on you, I suggest this poem;

Dear (Insert Name Here),

We Used to Be Lovers,

And That was That,

But you Cheated on me,

So I Boiled your Cat.

Bye,

(Insert Name Here)

This little gem is good for when you are leaving a girl for another woman;

Dear (Insert Name Here),

You Were Fun to Talk To,

You Were Good in Bed,

But I've Met a New Girl,

And She Actually Gives Head.

Sorry,

(Insert Name Here)

If your reasons for ending the relationship are more medical then emotional...

Dear (Insert Name Here),

I Thought we Were Perfect,

But There was One Little Glitch,

You Gave Me Herpes,

You Dirty Little Bitch.

Bye,

(Insert Name Here)

If you are breaking it off because you disapprove of your dates profession...

Dear (Insert Name Here),

You Used to be Poor Girl,

Now you Feast on Shrimp.

I Never Knew How, Until Now,

I Got a Call from your Pimp.

Bye,

(Insert Name Here)

Last, but not least; This one is for all you ladies out there to help you ditch a guy;

Dear (Insert Name Here),

You are Very Sweet,

You are Very Kind,

And You've Never Called me "Bitch", or "Chick".

But Even So,

I have to Go,

Because I Need a Man with a Real Dick.

Bye Bye Shorty,

(Insert Name Here)

Hopefully, These have been useful to you. With any luck, you can use them to painlessly end the relationship. Well, painless for you... and that's all that's important anyway. Enjoy!

- Josh Johnson

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