Josh Johnson

   Born in 1984, Josh Johnson started with humble beginnings. His mother, a nurse, and his father, a computer programmer, abandoned him in the wilds of Africa at 6 months old, hoping for for an "annulment of their decision not to have an abortion".

   Josh survived, with the help of a kindly albino gorilla named "Agarow", which roughly translates into english as "Hot Coco". As her name may have led you to believe, Agarow was a primate hooker. Shortly after discovering the infant, Agarow gave birth to her own; a birthing of 4 bastard love-apes, given to her by a thankless customer's refusal to wear a gorilla condom.

   Agarow's newly found motherhood took it's toll on her, and she felt compelled to raise young Josh as her own. With her guidance, Josh rose to a dominant roll in their tribe. At age 7, Josh had become the leader of their pack, and had his choice of the newly matured females each cycle. But deep-down, Josh still felt empty.

   During the spring of 1993, Christian missionaries came to that portion of Africa, seeking to infect the minds of the native humans with the teachings of Jesus Christ. The missionaries took one look at the closest village, and deemed all the "Brown people" "Godless Heathens". Being good Christians, they felt it their moral obligation to kill all the villagers.

   The missionaries destroyed the human village, then set fire to the forest that housed Josh and his primate brethren. All of Josh's opposable-thumbed friends and family perished in the blaze, but Josh survived. Bittered by the deaths of his comrades, Josh crawled from the ashes of his fallen home to seek revenge on the world. He taught himself to read the english language by examining the writings on a candy bar wrapper left behind by those insolent Christians. Then, using the "Made in" information from the same wrapper, determined that his murderous travels would have to conclude somewhere in the United States.

   Josh arrived in America, and quickly acclimated to his new environment. After several days of watching American television, Josh developed an acute sense of apathy, and quickly forgot about his bloodlust. He took up the easiest career he could think of; Hobo, with basic computer skills, who can somehow manage to type.

   These skill sets made him perfect for the Job of an internet writer. He worked several jobs reviewing video games for online gaming sites. He even did quite a few interviews with game industry executives. Josh felt he'd landed a cushy job that was right for him, yet, he really, really hated being told what to do by his bosses and editors. This hatred led to a quick de-evolution into Josh's original state of bloodlust.

   After burying the bodies of his ex-coworkers, Josh decided he should strike out on his own. In late 1999, Egodriven.Net was born. It's original audience of nothing more then a few friends, and patrons of an online forum for a game called "Jailbreak", eventually turned into what it is now; Legions of fans who appreciate Josh's knack for dick and fart jokes, interspaced with various sexual innuendo, and politically incorrect social commentary. EgoDriven.Net now enjoys a place as one of the most viewed comedy websites in the world.

Josh at a "Purely Suburban Problem" photoshoot in 2005. Damn I'm Sexy.

Josh, age 14, trying to commune with his primal roots in the wishing pool at a mall. Picture taken by a very confused shopper who just bought an underwater camera.

The timeless Jeff "Blade" Tidwell in action!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeff Tidwell

   On an unseasonably warm night.. 8 years ago.. my life changed forever.

*cut to 8 years ago, and Jeff leisurely walking home from the bar, too drunk to walk straight and just inebriated enough to stumble into a nearby river..*

   Miraculously I stay afloat in the current without much effort.. dragged what must have been no more than 100 feet before IT happened.

   The clouds began to move. A vicious thunderstorm was forming in the most frightening way possible.. fast and with not a single ounce of remorse for the denizens of the ground below. This was no ordinary storm, though..

   In a rage of black and blue, an unholy navel began to appear in the most dominant cloudform. Within seconds, at the center of the navel.. a lightning blast.. the likes of which will never be seen again.. formed.

   A split-second later, the water that held me was struck. However, that was no ordinary lightning shower! In my death, little did I know that I would be born again.. as the superhero we all know and love.. Blade!

   Actually, it turns out that I survived but my body was mangled and burnt to a bloody crisp. Upon viewing myself in the mirror after I stumbled home, I realized that I somewhat resembled a space alien now. With far less bravado than you'd expect from a living legend.. I deemed myself a "Klesk".

Thus the saga.. begins.

    Okay, perhaps we exaggerate.

    Jeff "Blade" Tidwell was born May 23rd, 1984.. in the greatest city in.. well.. Massachusetts. He's got a degree in broadcast journalism and a penchant for older women, in that order. He will outwit any comers in video game trivia, and wields the staff as his primary weapon. His favorite color is green, and his favorite sexual position is the missionary. That's right, our hero is pretty stubborn!

   When he's not saving the world from Islamic evil-doers, Jeff enjoys a good, long book.. preferably porn! His favorite television programs are numerous, but include Seinfeld, Family Guy, Sports Night, NewsRadio, Lost, Battlestar Galactica, Millennium.. *4 hours later* Futurama.. Penn and Teller's Bullshit.. Da Ali Show.. *another 4 hours later* ..and Firefly. His favorite musical groups include Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Blue Oyster Cult, Van Halen, The Police, Radiohead, Coldplay, AC/DC, Rush.. and many others. God.. ahem.. Jeff is a big fan of the rock genre!

   While he dreams of becoming a voice actor and broadcast personality, he can currently be found living out the dreams of many a youngster: pwn1ng t3h newbs in Qu4ke 4!

Charles Bio Coming Soon, Assuming He Decides to Do One.

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